Carpe Diem, kind of

Jenna, among many others, recently posted on Facebook this article from a Huffington Post blogger, Glennon Melton, on the irksome habit of people reminding you to "enjoy every minute" of parenting. I related to the article, especially the passages like this one:

"This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong."

BUT, I am not sure I agreed with it. Over the holiday break, I cleaned out a closet that was like a secret portal to 1993. It had boxes of old photos, yearbooks, and my journals. Yes, my diaries! I faithfully kept a journal starting when I was 10 until I was 23. Over the past few weeks, I have been reading through those books, numbered chronologically 1-25, and amongst many other interesting revelations (which I won't get into here) I realized that I repeated a sort of carpe diem message to myself constantly. I was obsessed with ensuring I was living each day, paying attention to my time, scribbling random quotes ranging from Steve Miller to Anais Nin to remind myself. To Glennon's point, a lot of my obsession was driven by anxiety and fear that I would, in retrospect, discover that I hadn't in fact spent my time wisely, or that things happened too fast and without enough import. On the other hand, I do not live in the present easily. I am constantly "nexting." Maybe, being a little obsessed with being merry while ye may is in some measure a healthy anxiety.

There are a lot of every day moments that I try to consciously soak up, and store away, so that I when I unpack them again from another closet 15 years from now, I remember them more freshly. My dread of time slipping away, the fact that I can't control it or rewind, is all the more intense when I watch my little girl growing up. All parents want to tuck their sweet baby's curls, and soft angel smooth cheeks into a pocket to save in time forever. Those are the stolen "unimportant" moments that make me think about the saying "life is what happens when you aren't looking."

On the other hand, there are moments that force you to be totally present in parenting. Adelaide started Tai Kwon Do this month, and in her first class, they explained at the end of each class they will award the camouflage belt to the student who was most well-behaved that class. They get to take the belt home and wear it to the next class where they get to be the class leader, and then return the belt for it to be awarded again. At her second class, we asked Ade if she would try to be so well-behaved and earn the belt. At the end of that class, the master announced the winner of the belt was -  Adelaide. Before even going up to get her belt, she turned back to look for Ryan and I in the stands with the other parents with the most amazing, proud smile. And, yes, carpe diem. In that moment, I didn't have to remind myself to be present, or to emblazon the feelings into my memory. Experiencing that awesome moment was a natural and and amazing part of being Adelaide's mom; it is indelibly etched into my heart.


I think the important message in Glennon's post is really to let go of the guilt. No one enjoys being woken 4 times in a night, or trying to talk your kid out of a crying fit. Let the wonderful parts of being a parent happen naturally - because they do, all the time - and don't make yourself crazy trying to fake it. As Glennon said, Kairos. But, also, keep a tiny bit of the anxiety if you need to, like I do. Just enough so that when those amazing moments do happen, you remember to be aware of them.