What it's like being...

What it's like being...

...exhausted and brain dead...
For 5 weeks now Ryan and I have been sleeping with a bedside light on in our room so we can see Ade's face while she is sleeping or waking. We hate how bright it is, and complain about it all the time. Ryan bought a lower wattage bulb, and then I bought a different clip on halogen lamp. Nothing seemed to help. Then, in a flash of briliance, I thought - why don't we move the lamp across the room? So I plugged it in somewhere else, and voila - huge difference. Yes, we are totally stupid.

...away from the baby...
So exciting and liberating, and so miserable and full of guilt. Ryan and I went to dinner last night to one of our favorite restuarants while my mom and sister watched the baby. I felt so NORMAL! Then, I thought, boy, this is nice! Then I felt guilty for thinking that, and missed my baby. I imagined the worst, that she was screaming crying the whole time, and just wanting me to nurse her. What a struggle to be able to relax away from her! Of course, she was fine the whole time, and all was well. Even so, I burst into tears when I came home, so relieved, grateful, and in love with Adelaide. I think the more practice the better I'll get, though. :-)

...someone's milk cow...
Emprisoning! This baby wants to nurse every 15 minutes! She falls asleep on it, plays with it, and of course eats on occasion. At the same time, she looks at me with these beautiful sweet eyes, and how can I not love it? Nursing her - and even her needing me so much - makes me really feel like her mommy. If she was only on a bottle, would she still love me as much? My mom asked me how long I planned to nurse and I realized I hadn't thought at all about it - I figured it would just all be worked out. My response, " I guess at least 5 weeks!" :-)

...away from work...
I never want to go back. I want to go back tomorrow. What is going on there without me? I love having input and I am terribly curious what, if anything, has changed while I've been out - what decisions have been made? But, how am I going to concentrate on work when I know I've got this little dragon being taken care of by someone else... Oh, the dilemma of working mothers!!! Poor us.