Mommy guilt

I plan to curl up with my new book, "It Sucked and Then I Cried" by Heather Armstong, of Dooce.com. Bless the women who have started telling the truth, even the ugly side, of becoming a mother.

Before I dive into a glass of wine and my reading, just a quick post about my own mommy guilt...

Adelaide, when you are older and read this, I am sure you will not remember what I am talking about in the least. But, still, I want to tell you that when I leave for "school" at night, I miss you SO MUCH. It is great for you to play with Daddy and have him put you nunny, but I still wish I was there every night with you. And when I have to leave to go on business trips, again I miss you SO MUCH.

Maybe one day when you are older and you have kids of your own, you will understand. Daddies have been missing bedtimes, and traveling on business for as long we walked upright. They miss their babies. But, they aren't mommies. They don't have visceral, hormonal reactions to leaving their flock. As society has changed, and mommies carry many of the same responsibilities as daddies, and the reverse, we shoulder our responsibilities differently.

I know logically that you are just fine and happy two minutes later when you cry when I leave, but I carry that image of your sad little face with me all night while I am in class. And, even when you wave Bye to me cheerily, I want to run back and tell you I will stay and play.

This summer I will be away in England for almost a whole week. And if I am away, I might as well enjoy myself. But, how can I, when I just feel so badly leaving you?

I wish I could be with you every second of every day of your life. That is my selfish mommy wish. But, I know in my head rather than my heart, that we both need to be independent sometimes.